Wednesday, July 27, 2011

LITTLE BRUCE

Little Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they know they are in love.  One day they decide that they want to get married, so Bruce goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.  Bruce bravely walks up to him and says, "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."  Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Bruce, you are only 10.. Where will you two live?" Without even taking a moment to think about it, Bruce replies, "In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit their nicely."  Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin,   "Okay, then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny."
                

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Microsoft vs Ford

For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on. 
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated,

'If Ford had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon.'


In response to Bill's comments, Ford issued a press release stating:

If Ford had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part):

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash..........Twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.
 

3... Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
 

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single 'This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation' warning light.
 

I love the next one!!! 

7. The airbag system would ask 'Are you sure?' before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
 

9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

10. You'd have to press the 'Start' button to turn the engine off.
 

PS - I 'd like to add that when all else fails, you could call 'customer service' in some foreign country and be instructed in some foreign language how to fix your car yourself!!!!

Please share this with your friends who love - but sometimes hate - their computer!

Thursday, February 3, 2011

Older men scam

Dear Old Male Friends,

Be very careful, especially during the holidays with these types of
terrible scams happening!!!

Watch out for this scam!!

Women often receive warnings about protecting themselves at the mall and
in dark parking lots, etc. This is the first warning I have seen for
men. I wanted to pass it on in case you haven't heard about it; sort of
a 'heads up' for those men who may be regular customers of Lowe's, Home
Depot, Costco, or even Wal-Mart. This one caught me totally by surprise.


Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out
shopping.
Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic.
Don't
be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

Here's how the scam works:

Two nice-looking, college-aged girls will come over to your car or truck
as
you are packing your purchases into your vehicle. They both start wiping
your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling
out of their skimpy T-shirts(it's impossible not to look). When you
thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' but instead ask for a
ride to cDonald's.

You agree and they climb into the vehicle. On the way, they start
undressing. Then one of them starts crawling all over you, while the
other
one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen October 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th,
20th, 24th, & 29th. Also November 1st & 4th, twice on the 8th, the 16th,
23rd, 26th & 27th, and very likely again this upcoming weekend.

So tell your friends to be careful. What a horrible way to take
advantage of
us older men. Warn your friends to be vigilant.

Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for $2.99 each. I found even cheaper ones
for
$.99 at the dollar store and bought them out in three of their stores.

Also, you never get to eat at McDonald's. I've already lost 11 pounds
just
running back and forth from Lowe's, to Home Depot, to Costco, etc.

So please, send this on to all the older men that you know and warn them
to be on the lookout for this scam. (The best times are just before
lunch and around 4:30 in the afternoon.)

Thursday, December 16, 2010

This is Sarah Palin

Hi!  This is Sarah Palin.  May I speak to Senator Lieberman please?
Sorry Governor, he isn't in.   This is Yom Kippur.
Well hello there, Yom.       Can you take a message?

Sunday, December 5, 2010

Samurai

Samurai

     
    
A powerful Japanese  Emperor needed a new Chief Samurai. So he sent out a declaration  throughout the entire known world of that time that he was  searching for a CHIEF Samurai. A year passed, but only 3 people  applied for the very demanding position; a Japanese Samurai, a  Chinese Samurai and a Jewish Samurai
 
The emperor asked  the Japanese Samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be  the chief Samurai. The Japanese Samurai opened a match box, and  out popped a bumblebee.

Whoosh! went his sword, and the  bumblebee dropped dead on the ground.

The emperor exclaimed  "That is very impressive!"

The emperor then issued the same  challenge to the Chinese Samurai, to come in and demonstrate why  he should be chosen. The Chinese samurai also opened a match box  and out buzzed a fly.

Whoosh! Whoosh! and the fly dropped  dead on the ground in four small pieces.

The emperor  exclaimed: "That is VERY impressive!"

Now the emperor  turned to the Jewish Samurai, and asked him to demonstrate why he  should be the Chief Samurai. The Jewish Samurai also opened a  match box, and out flew a gnat. His flashing sword went  Whoosh!

But the gnat was still alive and flying  around.

The emperor, obviously  disappointed, said: "Very ambitious!, but why is that  gnat not dead?"

The Jewish Samurai just smiled and said:  "Circumcision is not meant to  kill."
 

Sunday, November 21, 2010

The Cowboy and the Politician

A cowboy was herding his cows in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW roared out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?" 

The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?" 

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg,
FONT face="Times New Roman">Germany
.  Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. 

He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. 

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves." 

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the cowboy.  He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.  Then the cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"  The young man thinks about it for a second and then says,  "Okay, why not?" 

You're a Congressman in the U.S. Government", says the cowboy. 

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?" 

"No guessing required." answered the cowboy  "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you wanted to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked.  You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows....  Now give me back my dog"

Sunday, October 10, 2010

Jose and Carlos are Beggars


Jose and Carlos are beggars.  
They beg in different areas of town.
  
  
Carlos begs for the same amount of time as Jose, but collects only
about $8.00 or $9.00 a day.  
  
  
Jose brings home a suitcase full of ten-dollar bills every day.  He drives a Mercedes,
lives in a mortgage-free house, and has a lot of money to spend.
  
  
"Hey, amigo," Carlos says to Jose, "I work just as long and hard as you do, so how come you bring home a suitcase
full of ten dollar bills every day?
  
  
Jose says,
"Look at your sign, what does it say?"
  
  
Carlos reads his sign:
"I have no work, a wife and six kids to support."
  "What's wrong with that?" Carlos asks him.
  
  
"No wonder you only get
  $8.00 or $9.00 a day!" says Jose.
  
  
Carlos says,
"All right, what is on your sign?"
  
  
Jose shows him:







 
 

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